dreamer

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Suluban Beach, Bali

It’s funny, how when people ask me about my tattoo, somehow with a sort of smirk (or so I think). I just smile and say, “it’s my Australian souvenir” or “you know, I really wanted the word dreamer tattooed on my wrist, so I got it.” Sure, it has its moments, I look at it and wonder why I would do that…and hey, maybe I’ll get it removed one day. But sometimes, it reminds me of the mindset I was in, and the phase in my life where the whole thing took place.

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After a few days…sorry mom!

I wrote lists of reasons why I’m a dreamer. I was in such a state of bliss-I had traveled across the world and was on my own for six months. I was completely vulnerable, figuring out who I was and how I wanted to be around others. It was messy…there were times I wish I could redo, but I learned so much about myself. There is a power to being vulnerable.

I was enamored by the moon, doing my walk home from yoga at night. I never felt more safe, walking alone down the steep hill on Beach Street. I would just look up, amazed at the glowing moon, and felt so close to home. I remember walking by Coogee Pavilion, with the dull roar of families and friends chatting, laughing and enjoying their time. I would walk out to the railing, watching the moonlight shine over the water-the waves pushing and pulling in the sea. There was so much magic to the whole thing. Such a simple task-getting from Clovelly to Coogee-walking home from yoga somehow became such a meaningful memory.

Leaving Australia was far from easy. I’ll never forget the chaos of leaving Michelle and her kids. I was a wreck! Not to mention the embarrassing amount of luggage that I rolled away  with… I was in such a daze, and felt so sad leaving such an incredible place. During my flight, I wrote pages and pages of memories, thoughts and feelings in my journal. At one point, I was just writing these random lines of thoughts that came through my head, almost like a stream of consciousness. I remember reading an article about Cara Delvigne, where she said some moment in her life “lit a fire” in her, and that really resonated with me. I felt like Australia really lit this fire that gave me so much confidence in myself and my direction.

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Gordon’s Bay along the coast walk

So you’d think that meant I came home ready to conquer everything and be in the perfect situation? Wrong. Little did I know, the work had just begun. I came home without really realizing the shock it would cause to my system. Here I am with all of these tools, ready to live my new lifestyle, with nobody understanding my progress. I had just spent months with people who watched me grow, and now I was out of my element. I let go of someone I love, all for the chance to learn more about myself and be vulnerable. And boy, was I vulnerable. I connected with these people who in the end hurt me, but I look back now feeling stronger. I was embarrassed, sad, disappointed, and kept coming back for more. I put my feelings on the line, and got what I deserved in the end. I don’t take any of it back, because I am now sure of what I want in someone and the amount of respect I have for myself. Not everyone in the world has the best intentions for you-but I believe that there’s a lesson to be learned in the end.

And now here I am, just a few weeks past graduation. I finished college! I stuck out all four years in Dallas and ended up loving it. It’s incredible to think that there is a new chapter so close to beginning, and I can’t wait. I can feel that there are about to be some beautiful adventures to come. If you’ve made it this far into my post, I applaud you. Sorry for the feelings… I know I have been off my blogging game, but I have struggled to come up with what I want to share. Despite the big changes happening now, I still feel like there is a lull. I know that with what’s to come, I will be sharing a lot with all of you!

So to come full circle with this, the term dreamer continues to add new meanings. It’s a reminder of my experience abroad, what it represented for me at that time, to continue exploring, stay true to myself, and always be open to something new–with all the lessons I’ve learned along the way. Call it a list of cliches, but it’s become a symbol of my identity, and I’m proud of it

 

x

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One thought on “dreamer

  1. Diane Stenger

    The appreciation ( sensitive understanding of the aesthetic value and gratitude of something ) you have expressed is relatable and inspiring, I look forward to the adventures yet to come and read about.

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